When love turns to hate !

The news that the bodies of a thirty-five  year old man and his four year old daughter have been found side by side in sand dunes will chill the hearts of many separated couples who share access rights to the children of their former union.    This man was supposed to return his daughter to her mother on January 11 after an access visit and their disappearance sparked a huge search by police and SES workers. Nineteen days later their badly decomposed bodies were found near the handover location.

The safety of such children comes close to paranoia to many people.   Relationships between parents often end bitterly and both parties can be guilty of using a child as a pawn in an ongoing war.  Usually, a court grants custody of the child to one parent and grants visiting access to the other, and this can be the point of friction that lights the fuse of revenge.

It is not unknown for one parent to abscond with the child and disappear into an overseas country. Religious laws in some parts of the world are used to gain protection and it is not unusual for a suspicious parent to have a child's name and details entered into a customs embargo to prevent their child from being processed outward at an Australian airport.

This is not always successful if the absconder is a wealthy person.   Many will remember a Prince from a northern neighbouring country who spirited his children overseas on a luxury yacht while here on an access visit.   He clearly broke Australian law and his country not only refused extradition, but also ignored the Hague convention which required stolen children to be repatriated.    That mother only regained access when her children reached the age to make their own legal decisions.

Shared access is fraught with friction.   Many separated couples continue to play the blame game.  Most genuinely love their children, but love is a double edged sword.      It can become a weapon to deprive the other partner of his or her emotional empathy and union with the child - as the ultimate form of revenge - or it can become a self centred obsession that leads to murder/suicide as the only way out of a situation that this person rejects.

Fortunately, only a small fraction of child sharing turns so deadly.   Many separated people continue to bicker, but the vast majority put their lives in order and children seem to possess an uncanny ability to adapt to the middle ground between warring parents.  In many instances, it is the children who are the peace makers.

Unfortunately, news of this tragic event will send an undercurrent of fear through many people's minds.  Many will wonder at the mental stability of their former partner - probably quite irrationally - and dread the timing of the next access visit.    There will be a tendency to refuse access - and that can only make a difficult situation worse.